No More Crying

NMCIIIt began with the best intentions. The days and weeks since my Neurology follow up had me feeling angry, lost and somewhat hopeless. I had mistakenly opened up to my doctor, therapist and wife that I had briefly thought of suicide, or commented on how I wished the original death notice I received when I was twelve would have ended me instead of prolonging my suffering through related issues. Falling down and not having the control you once had on your life it not easy to get used to. With that said and fully expressed, I had felt a positive shift in recent days that mad me feel as if I had turned a corner. I had all but stopped worrying about what I couldn’t do any more and started thinking about what I could. My intention was to share with my wife that the fear and negativity were behind me. That, whatever it took, I was going to be open minded and more constructive.

As I began to speak to her, I made a point to use the word “Positive”. This exchange was going to let her know that I was leaving behind the negativity and look at all the positives and embrace whatever changes might come. Before I even knew what was happening. Before she even had a chance to reply. She buried her head in my chest and began crying uncontrollably. I did my best to make her laugh and smile “Hey, there’s nothing to cry about. This is all about looking at things with a positive mindset.” “Come on, there’s no crying,” “I’m not crying.” She sniffled, as she reached for the nearby box of tissues. All I wanted to do was tell her how lucky I was to have two parents that loved me and a wife who, despite all my obvious faults, adored me. Still, she kept her head buried in my chest. Unconvincingly trying to conceal the fact that she had become overwhelmed with tears. “I have to pee.” She announced as she quickly made her way to the bathroom. Concerned for what she was feeling, I followed. More than anything, I wanted to comfort her. To let her know that it was okay to cry. Even with the door closed. I could hear her blowing her nose and washing the tears from her eyes. I entered and hugged her. Assuring her that, maybe for the first time since that hospital visit. That everything was going to be okay. That she could cry all she wanted to as long as she didn’t feel the need to hide it from me. “I was trying to tell you that I turned a corner and how I was feeling more positive about things.” “Why are you crying?” Still red in the face and filled with tears. She said something I never thought I’d ever hear. “Because it’s not your fault.” “You didn’t do anything wrong.” I have to say, it was humbling.

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Throughout our entire marriage and even when we were dating. She was always the strong one. The rock, the ying to my yang, or whatever you call it. Being on the other side of the coin. The one to say “Don’t worry. No matter what happens, everything is going to be alright.” It was hard, but I feel it was long overdue. Whatever may come, I hope I can always be there for her when she needs it. Considering how much she’s done for me in reinforcing my health and assuring my happiness. I’ve got my work cut out for me.

Below are a couple of helpful links.

Zen Habits

American Meditation Society

Doctors Visit

As I sat in the neurologist’s office going over recent tests we hoped would shed some light on my worsening speech patterns and balance issues, I tried to control my emotions as I felt myself choking up. As he shared the results and his conclusive diagnosis. I found myself struggling to hold back the tears and the snot bubble that was massing in my right nostril, Suddenly, as I felt my wife’s hand tighten on mine. I turned to her lovingly only to notice the tears rolling down her cheek.

The answers we had been hoping for were not there. This was a month that featured X-Rays on my shunt. An MRI and CAT Scan on my brain and enough blood work to make a vampire foam at the mouth. It turned out that my symptoms had nothing to do with a recently discovered meningioma brain tumor residing on the opposite side of the brain where my original pineal tumor (The one doctors deemed as terminal. Giving me a month to live at the ripe age of twelve.) had remained or my 2008 stroke that was brought on by a build up from the radiation I originally received to shrink said tumor. Issues that could be easily understood, treated and easily removed.

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 Back in Jersey during a March, 2017 seventy two hour EKG.

Instead, what they found was a rare, often genetic neurological disorder known as FAhr’s Syndrome. A disorder that has no cure or standard treatment. One that progresses over time, but won’t kill you. After the doctor went over each test with visual descriptions, he turned to us and said, “I wish I had better news for you.” A term which is easily translated to “Sorry, but you’re fucked.” Having amassed a stockpile of sarcasm and dark humor over the years, I asked, “If I drop you a few extra dollars for your next trip to the local strip club, would you prescribe a toxic cocktail that can put an end to my misery?” Instead of agreeing to my request, I was referred to physical and speech therapists. Complete with a follow up date and the name/number of a social worker.I was all but dismissed.  The worst part of it all, at least for me, was seeing my wife cry. We’ve been through a lot together (My 2002 shunt replacement, 2008 stroke, my struggles and sleepless nights due to an ongoing struggle with Gastroesophageal reflux disease as well as my numerous trips to the Emergency Room.) and she’s been at my side during every bump in the road. She’s a loving, supporting and very strong woman. Yet, I’ve only seen her cry twice in all our years together. Both being times when I was hospitalized or being diagnosed with some kind of bullshit.

While it’s hard for me to properly articulate what I’m about to say. Life has taught me that there’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve seen a lot and I’ve been through more. We are all a lot stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. Though in my case, hearing stories from friends and loved ones who were around to witness some of the things I went through was more than I could take. More than I would ever want to burden anyone with. I don’t know if I ever told anybody this, but I often feel a tremendous sense of guilt for what I put them through. In getting the news of the next gift from God. I finally shared my thoughts of how I wished the original 10/11/1982 diagnosis of “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do. Your son will most likely be dead within the month.” Would have been fulfilled. Because, somehow, their saving me led to a lifetime of related bullshit that I couldn’t shield the people I loved from.

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That’s me on the right wearing a Yankees team jersey.

While my rant was not received well by family, friends, or my doctor. It was something I had been feeling and wanted to be honest about. In retrospect. I’ve lived a charmed life. One that’s granted me love, happiness and enough positive experiences to look look forward to and back on for years to come. All the negatives are just bumps along an otherwise smooth road.

 

Fahrs Syndrome Information

American Brain Tumor Association

 

Once Upon a Time…

I have a long history of bad dreams regarding my childhood, the places I’d been, the characters in my life and some of the crazy things I had seen and experienced. Thankfully, I reached a place in my life (a good one.) that’s given me a sense of closure that’s allowed me to look back upon those times with a sense of humor. While writing about many of those experiences has helped immensely when it came to that closure. It’s given me something I never could have expected. That being able to sharpen my memory and bring a greater sense of detail to my writing. Time and perhaps forgiveness has given me the strength and to a great extent, a chance to look back, laugh and share some of these stories with a sense of detachment that allows me to write as if I was penning fiction. Instead of waking in the middle of the night due to a nightmare. I wake refreshed with a fluent memories of an experience I haven’t thought of in decades.

One involving my Mother leaving me in the care of a very nice woman who managed or  possibly owned a dry cleaners, While I can only recall being left there once. She was a very nice lady whose storefront was highlighted by a supersized fish tank that housed some rather colorful coy. I mean, I can’t think of a better place to leave your kids. “In before 9:00. Ready by 5:00.” had to have its origins.

The other, and perhaps the head scratcher of the two, came when left in the care of my father. Considering my parents worked shifts that almost insured they’d rarely see one another. (My Mother worked the regular 9-5 as a secretary in Manhattan. While my Dad’s city job as a bus driver had him on a 3-11 schedule. As far back as I could remember, my Dad was doing a lot of side jobs making money here and there doing work for bookies and loan sharks. While there were countless times when I could tag along to the bar (Cheese burger & fries, a plate of calamari and a couple of cokes. Armed with a handful of  quarters for the jukebox. The hours would just slip away.) Or the local O.T.B.   (Off Track Betting for those not old enough to remember.) Where I could sit and watch the races on closed circuit tv or run to the corner hot dog guy for a mustard, sauerkraut and onions Sabrett.

Through the years though, there were a number of occasions where my Dad couldn’t take me along with him on his rounds and had to get creative. The local gas station on the corner of 83rd st. and Astoria Blvd. just happened to be one. Though there were three filling stations within a two block radius of my Pop’s house. My Dad must have known the owner of this particular one. During the hours and occasions I was left in his care. I don’t recall any strange goings on. There was the office (or reception area) with a gumball machine. I spent time watching the mechanics work on cars. I can recall thinking how cool the collection of tools looked on the peg board. Those roller carts that allowed them to magically disappear under the cars and oh, those awesome car lifters that would raise the cars off the ground magically. The people there always looked after me, kept me entertained and safe from the constant traffic that flowed from La Guardia Airport into Astoria Blvd.

From a very young age, I had come to love visiting junk yards whether it be for a spare car or motorcycle part. Or to tag along with my Dad when he went to collect money for the bookies or sharks, By four or five, I had come to love the smell of gasoline.

Years later though, after hijacking my Aunts copy of The Daily News. I was somewhat surprised to see that the same gentleman my Father trusted to care for me was being arraigned on charges of extortion, arson and kidnapping. It was just one of many instances when someone I knew and trusted showed up in the local news paper or led off the days TV News report. It was just a part of growing up. People doing what they felt they needed to do to get from point A to point B taught me a lot about life and the many grey areas that you find along the road.

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Images from Seattle’s Thai Festival

As we approached today’s Thai festival, my wife started testing me on my geographic knowledge of Thailand. Having experienced years of ball busting, nipple twisting and chain pulling from my wife. I’ve come to not let her thrice daily jabs get  to me. Thai (1 of 1)During our short ride, she tried to imply that I was unaware that though both are located in Southeast Asia,  Thailand and Taiwan were two distinctly different places. With Thailand being a kingdom bordered by Laos, Vietnam, Cambodia and Burma. Taiwan, on the other hand is an island located south of China. Despite the fact that we eat mass quantities of Thai food and that I grew up with a number of friends whose families had immigrated from Taiwan. She continued to push the envelope. Despite any nudging on her part or geographic miscues on mine. We made it to the festival and had a great time enjoying the food and festivities. In conclusion, I’d really like to start working photographing and covering events for the press here. It’s something I enjoyed doing back east and something that always seems to teach me more about other cultures, expression and rituals. The money I’d earn would most likely go towards all the great food these festivals offer.

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Vacation Pictures

blogi-1-of-1As my first visit to New Orleans began to unfold. I really began to rethink my choice to make it seem like such a photo based trip. While there was a undeniable excitement surrounding my first trip to what was both a historic and storied destination. I couldn’t help but notice what a distraction having my camera had become.

When I look at the images featured here. I can’t help but feel that wherever I go, whether it’s just outside my door or a distant corner of the world. The most important thing is the people I meet and what they teach me about the places I’m visiting. Maybe I’ll stick to my cell phone the next time I travel. Stick to pictures of the people I’ve travelled with and the ones I’ve met.

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We Are All in Perpetual Movement

Bricks (1 of 1).jpgWe live in an ever-changing world where we are constantly in perpetual movement. Very few, if anything holds permanence. While not  a bad thing per say. It’s one of the founding principles that influenced my becoming a photographer who felt it important to document my surroundings.The need to explore and document things that may soon be gone is one of the key factors in what originally drew me to photography.

Knowing full well that changes would soon come to one of my current favorite local photo destinations. I took a ride with the wife to see what had developed since my last visit. As we drove closer. The unwelcoming sound of barking dogs echoed in the distance. The immediate question “Could that barking be coming from indie the construction site?” and if so, “Where those dogs chained up or were they loose?” Knowing the answer would soon reveal itself. I proceeded with extreme caution.

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Just as predicted. The incessant barking was coming from two Pit Bulls inside and thankfully, not roaming around awaiting their next meal. While it always pains me to see such beautiful animals being chained or caged. I was greatful to feel a bit safer while I quickly got what I came for. Noting the projects progress, the precence of trucks and of course the guard dogs. I relized that this was in all likelyhood, my last visit here. And while we were happy to see that the dogd had plenty of food and water. We made it a point to report the siting to both the lacal Humane Society and Police.

Collected Memories Feed an Ongoing Passion

Some of my earliest memories involve my Dad taking me to the junk yards just beyond Shea stadium at Willets Point. Whether it was to scavenge for parts to keep his T-bird running or as a shark collecting on bets whose payment had over reached the official calendar dates. For me personally, the opportunity to seize the passenger’s seat and tag along on such an adventure was better than a trip to Disneyland, or at least the local arcade. That excitement I felt when the car would come to a rolling stop. Where I’d eject myself from the car, run past the half-berserk junk yard dog towards the wrecked cars, old tires and random parts that lay about like toys waiting to be opened on Christmas Day. I tell ya. From the age of five to about ten years old, there weren’t many playgrounds or theme parks worthy of such excitement on my part.
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Decades later, and with many years behind me. I find myself, sometimes embarrassingly, drawn to the same things that inspired me as a child. Things that, till this day, raise my brow as well as the hair on my arm or the back of my neck.Those sensors and those knots in my stomach let me know that… as broken down as I may be. I’m still alive and full of a passion to get closer, investigate, document and  report back. I hope that passion never leaves me.

Sunday Brunch with a Side Dish

After a big plate of French Toast and six or so cups of coffee. I wanted nothing more than to go home and sit out the rest of the day. However, my wife’s fourth serving of Sunday (1 of 1) “Are you sure that’s what you want to do?” I was assured that would not be the case. As per usual, I had to come up with a plan that would satisfy us both. I cried out, “Let’s get some ice cream in Newark!” and all of life’s questions were suddenly answered.

Now, being a married man for many years. I have learned that every question includes a boatload of follow-up questions. And as a husband. Every answer should be swift, yet well thought out. Answer a question incorrectly and you could wind up at a mall holding your wife’s purse while she tries on ten outfits. None of which she will actually buy. Knowing “Do you want to go to the mall?” or just as apocalyptic “Hey, do we need to pick up anything at Costco?” Answer correctly and you might find yourself thumbing through records at your favorite vinyl haunt. Or as in this particular days case, exploring uncharted territory while finding visually stimulating images to capture. For me personally, visually stimulating means factories, construction sites, industrial complexes and train yards.

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Sunday Best (1 of 1)A love and a practise I’ve loved since this curious 7-year-old first experienced while wandering through local construction sites, cemeteries and junk yards spread out through my Queens neighborhood. Til’ this day that sense of danger coupled with the voice in the back of my head that says “You know you’re not supposed to be here.” makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up and my blood rush.While these excursions have nothing to do with any lack of respect for safety, personal property or authority. It definitely reinforces that old adage “No one owes you anything. If you want something. You have to take it.” That rush I get. The voice in the back of my head and the little hairs on the back of my neck standing on end. That’s my body telling me that my soul is still intact. That getting older doesn’t mean you’re getting old. At least not yet.

Just Around the Corner.

If you’re not into garbage strewn streets and unkempt property. My usual route home from the train is dull city. S0 0ver time I’ve devised different ways to not only get home, but to explore areas that I’ve yet to really crack. One of those routes lies just across the railroad tracks, about a block or two from the main area called Little India. One one of this winters nicer days I found one that suits me well and doesn’t have me taking the long route to the short cut. As I turned on to “I forget the name” street. My ears were filled with the sounds of children loudly enjoying their recess. Luckily, the almost ear piercing sound had zero effect on my eyes, as I walked right in to a car that looked as if it predated the Castro regime. It’s happened a lot over the years. There was a classic hunk of classic green junk parked in the lot behind Hoboken’s Monroe Center for centuries. So boldly occupying its space. It seemed immovable by current technology. There’s yet another parked within site of the route I take home almost daily. (I need to spend some time getting to know it one day.)

For me personally, the draw is the history, stories and uniqueness that captivates my attention. These monuments to the past surely have some tales to tell. Getting closer to get a good look and to take a few pictures guarantees that years after it’s gone. It will still be remembered.

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You Can Never Go Back

I was in downtown Manhattan this afternoon enjoying a beautiful day when I decided to stop in to a photo gallery in which I was once a member of. As I walked in, one of the members popped her head out of the office to greet and ask if I was familiar with the gallery. I said yes and even went on to add that I was once a member of the coop.She took a closer look, but did not recognize me.”You must have been here for a short time.” I replied “Maybe two years, but I lit some fires and even thought of planting a bomb before I burned my membership card.” Without much more than a glance, she returned to the office as I proceeded to  check out what was currently showing. While my words had no intent to intimidate her. I always prefer to interpret art as I see it. As opposed to the person who’s day it was to handle office duties.

_MG_8781MAs I enjoyed my walk through. I was reminded of the reasons I left in the first place. I simply couldn’t connect or relate with a lot of work the group and the gallery was producing. Not to say that mine was any better or more insightful then or now. My two or so years as a member where a growing process. A testing ground. I was able to regularly display my work in a gallery that was built from scratch in the seventies and nurtured with creativity and love. However, unlike many of the members. I did not look to remain there until my ashes were scattered amongst the wood and brick it’s foundation was built on.

IMG_3960MIn the end. I’m glad I had a chance to go back and see what was happening since the ten or so years I turned in my scouts badge. In recent conversation with a friend and professional photographer. I shared with him my thoughts or becoming a member again. Perhaps, for the sole chance of having new work displayed monthly in the gallery. He scoffed, adding that many of these coops, important as they may be, somewhat mirror a sewing circle where old photographers go to die. While I found that to be harsh. It was honest and true. I’ll never be able to move forward if I keep looking back.

(The pictures posted above were taken during my tenure at the gallery.)